我的姐妹金納 MySister Gina

在我14歲的那年夏天，母親帶著我住在得克薩斯州的科珀斯克里斯蒂港。1981年6月，我們?cè)诒焙�灘租下了這套小公寓。搬進(jìn)去沒(méi)幾天，我遇到了一個(gè)叫金納的女孩，她與其他一些人住在我家公寓后面的房子里。我之所以稱那些人為“其他人”，是因?yàn)樘煺娴奈覍?duì)他們的了解少得可憐。有時(shí)候，一些牙買加人會(huì)去拜訪那些人，他們?cè)谀撬�房子里住幾天，然后就離開(kāi)了。幾年后，我才了解了牙買加人的重要地位。對(duì)于與金納一起住的人，我了解得不太多，后來(lái)也沒(méi)有興趣去了解。許多成年人經(jīng)常會(huì)聚在那所房子的附近，不過(guò)他們只是在那所房子門外的前面，那里有音樂(lè)，我們這些孩子則自由地玩耍。

金納比我小一歲半，我想，人們會(huì)說(shuō)，她是因?yàn)樵谀撤N意義上無(wú)家可歸，才與這些人住在一起的。金納是一個(gè)長(zhǎng)相漂亮的女孩，有著美麗的笑容、漂亮的金發(fā)和藍(lán)色的眼睛。雖然才13歲，可是她對(duì)街道的熟悉程度已經(jīng)超出了同齡孩子。金納不知道她的父親是誰(shuí)，她的母親是一個(gè)酒鬼。金納有一個(gè)姐姐住在康涅狄格州，姐姐的丈夫是一個(gè)海員。除了我，沒(méi)有人要金納，我就像愛(ài)妹妹一樣愛(ài)護(hù)著金納。

起初，在學(xué)校的公車上，我與金納總是怒目而視。金納是一個(gè)性格強(qiáng)硬的孩子，必要的時(shí)候總是擺出一副兇惡小孩的架勢(shì)，我想這是她采取的一種自我保護(hù)。在學(xué)校里過(guò)了一周多，我們開(kāi)始說(shuō)話了。因?yàn)樵谧〉牡胤�，只有我們兩個(gè)孩子年紀(jì)相仿，于是很快就變得形影不離了。我的父母離婚了，除非有什么非談不可的事情外，他們兩個(gè)從來(lái)不說(shuō)話。金納沒(méi)有一個(gè)真正的家，而我只是從600公里以外的密西西比的家搬到了現(xiàn)在的這個(gè)地方，不過(guò)我想念以前的家。當(dāng)意識(shí)到我們兩個(gè)人有著同樣的傷痛時(shí)，不離了。我和金納走到一起，成了無(wú)法分開(kāi)的朋友。我和金納不在一個(gè)班級(jí)上課，她比我低一個(gè)年級(jí)。然而從下午放學(xué)坐上學(xué)校公車直到晚上上床睡覺(jué)前的這段時(shí)間，我們都在一起。

我們住在海灘上。在天氣暖和的時(shí)候，我就會(huì)在下了學(xué)校公車后匆忙跑回家里，把家務(wù)活做完，因?yàn)檫@些活在母親下班回家之前必須干完。做完家務(wù)，我飛快地穿上泳衣，與金納碰頭后，就一起拿著毛巾，一邊抽著煙一邊向沙灘走去。沙灘離我們的住處也就5分鐘的路程，穿過(guò)一條馬路就到了。金納吸煙，這一點(diǎn)也不足為奇。認(rèn)識(shí)金納后，我也開(kāi)始吸煙了，我從不去想，如果母親發(fā)現(xiàn)了這件事情將會(huì)作何。在某種程度上，我猜自己只是想效仿她所具有的瀟灑氣質(zhì)。多年以后，我才認(rèn)識(shí)到金納的內(nèi)心所承受的巨大悲傷。

大概過(guò)了半個(gè)學(xué)年，金納的姐姐讓她過(guò)去與她們一起在康涅狄格州生活。金納的姐姐知道她的處境和住所，我不明白她為什么過(guò)了這么長(zhǎng)時(shí)間才叫金納過(guò)去。金納的母親一直酗酒，我想金納一定是過(guò)不下去了，才離家出走，此后她就住在了我家后面。至少金納自己說(shuō)過(guò)，她的母親不要她了。

金納的離開(kāi)令我非常傷心，同時(shí)，我也為她能同姐姐一起生活而感到高興。我想，她與家人在一起，生活會(huì)過(guò)得好些。我們一周至少通兩次信。4個(gè)月后，她又回來(lái)了，并給我講了幾件使她不想繼續(xù)住下去的事。我對(duì)這些事卻另有看法。

時(shí)間如流水般逝去，一學(xué)年馬上就要結(jié)束了，我也即將迎來(lái)自己的15歲生日。母親帶我搬到了18英里以外的塔夫特，金納與另外一個(gè)人繼續(xù)住在科珀斯，但我們?nèi)匀煌ㄐ疟３致?lián)系。我們搬走6個(gè)月后，金納又一次沒(méi)有地方可住了。修女們就開(kāi)始尋找可以收養(yǎng)她的人，那樣她就不用去孤兒院了。后來(lái)，我聽(tīng)說(shuō)金納被一個(gè)女人收養(yǎng)了，不久就和那個(gè)女人19歲的兒子有了曖昧關(guān)系，那時(shí)她才14歲。發(fā)生這件事情后，那個(gè)女人就讓金納搬走了。事實(shí)上，在從那個(gè)家搬出來(lái)之后，金納仍不時(shí)地與那個(gè)男的見(jiàn)面。金納開(kāi)始變得無(wú)所謂了，她非常想找一個(gè)人來(lái)按照她所理解的方式來(lái)愛(ài)她，但是她為此付出了代價(jià)。

在某種意義上，我們成為金納的收養(yǎng)人這件事，引起了我的憂慮。因?yàn)槲遗c母親的生活本來(lái)就是捉襟見(jiàn)肘，幾乎沒(méi)錢支付賬單，有幾次就因?yàn)橹Ц恫黄痣娰M(fèi)而被斷電。我愛(ài)金納，母親從金納的身上也多少看到了自己的不幸，因此也同情她，然而我很擔(dān)心家里的狀況無(wú)法再多養(yǎng)活一個(gè)人。我們?cè)谝黄鸬娜兆雍芸鞓?lè)！不久各自都有了男朋友，并且每個(gè)周末都要一起出去。我們甚至一起逃學(xué)。有一次被抓到了，被關(guān)了一整天的禁閉，因此錯(cuò)過(guò)了拍校照。在那年學(xué)校的年鑒上，照片上本該有我的地方被放了一個(gè)腰間系著鏡頭筒的卡通人物，并注著：“沒(méi)有照片”。我認(rèn)為，那事實(shí)上成為金納不能與我們繼續(xù)住在一起的原因之一，母親不想我被她影響。我現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)成了母親，更能體會(huì)這種心情了。

金納是一個(gè)野性的女孩，無(wú)法忍受長(zhǎng)時(shí)間的管制。她與我們住在一起的時(shí)間大概有8個(gè)月，我記得那是一個(gè)冬天，家里經(jīng)濟(jì)拮據(jù)，食物不夠吃。金納喜歡無(wú)人管束的生活，并且已經(jīng)習(xí)慣了那種生活，而母親不允許一個(gè)十幾歲的女孩子過(guò)那種生活。于是，金納給一個(gè)熟識(shí)的人打了一個(gè)電話后，就收拾行李離開(kāi)了我們。

金納離開(kāi)的那個(gè)夜晚，我仍然記得，那是我最后一次見(jiàn)到她。幾個(gè)月以來(lái)，我們共用一個(gè)房間，她走以后，房間顯得空落落的，我非常想念她。我永遠(yuǎn)不會(huì)忘記那個(gè)情景，她把行李放進(jìn)一部白色轎車的后行李箱中，關(guān)上蓋子后，轉(zhuǎn)過(guò)來(lái)對(duì)我笑了笑說(shuō)：“好吧，我們后會(huì)有期吧！”我回答說(shuō)：“你要保重！不要抽那么多煙，也不要喝那么多酒了！”然后，我們大笑著相互擁抱在一起。金納接著說(shuō)：“你也是，也不要抽那么多煙，喝那么多酒了！”我們兩個(gè)都哭了。在這兩年的美好時(shí)光中，她一直是我最好的朋友，我內(nèi)心深處有一種預(yù)感，我再也不會(huì)見(jiàn)到金納了。

金納剛剛搬到那個(gè)地方的時(shí)候給我寫了一封信，從此以后，就很少寫信給我。大約兩年以后，我收到了她的一封信，得知她住在密蘇里州，與一個(gè)已婚男人有了一個(gè)小孩。她說(shuō)那個(gè)男人很愛(ài)她。我為她感到傷心，并且想知道她是否真正找到了非�？释�的愛(ài)情。或者，她真正需要的并不是她自認(rèn)為想要的。

后來(lái)，金納又給我寫了一封信。自那以后，我就再也沒(méi)有收到她的來(lái)信。我給她寫了回信，然而卻沒(méi)有任何音信。直到今天，我仍然不知道她在哪里，究竟發(fā)生了什么事情，是否還活著。我與金納就好像雙胞胎姐妹，她的離開(kāi)帶走了我身體的一部分。她離開(kāi)以后，我感覺(jué)自己的內(nèi)心好像被掏空了一塊，好像是內(nèi)心深處的靈魂被掏走了。至少?gòu)谋砻嫔蟻?lái)看，金納是一個(gè)很有生命活力的女孩，從來(lái)不為生活憂愁。我們?cè)��?jīng)分享一切，是那么親密的朋友。

盡管已經(jīng)過(guò)去很多年了，我仍然會(huì)經(jīng)常想起她。兩個(gè)不同道路上的年輕女孩一起走向成熟，而且我們熟悉彼此的道路。金納欣賞我的全部和我所擁有的一切，而她能使我微笑。

Thesummer I turned fourteen we were, my mother and I, living in Corpus Christi,Texas. We rented this little apartment on North Beach in June 1981. Just a fewdays after we moved in, I met this girl named Gina who lived with some peoplein a house behind us. I say “people”, because they were into some stuff I hadvery little knowledge of, in my innocence. They occasionally had a Jamaicanguest who would come in, stay a few days, then leave. I realized some yearslater the significance of the Jamaican visitor. I didn’t know much about thesepeople Gina lived with, and didn’t get to know them too well. There were alwaysa lot of adults that hung around, but they usually were in the front part ofthe house where the music was, and left us to our own entertainment.

Ginalived with these people because, I guess you could say, she was homeless. In asense, she was about a year and a half younger than me. Very pretty, beautifulsmile, pretty blond hair and big green eyes. But at thirteen, she knew far moreabout the streets than she should have. She didn’t know who her father was, andher mother was a drunk. She had an older sister who was married to a man in thenavy, and lived in Connecticut. Nobody wanted Gina, except me. I loved her likea sister.

Inthe beginning, we bristled at each other on the school bus. Gina was a toughkid, and I guess as a defense mechanism, she always put on that tough-kid armorwhen necessary. After a week or so of school, we started talking. And since shewas the only kid in the area of my age, we really kind of fell in together. Myfolks were divorced and barely spoke unless they had to. I’d just moved 600miles from the only home I’d ever known in Mississippi and I was homesick, andshe had no real home. Once we realized we both had wounds to lick, it clicked,and we became inseparable. She was a grade beneath me, so we had no classestogether. But as soon as we’d board the school bus in the afternoon until itwas time for bed, we were together.

Welived on the beach. It was a five-minute walk from where we lived, just amatter of crossing the road. If it was warm, I’d get off the bus and hurriedlydo my chores that had to be finished before my mom got home from work. Thenquickly get into my bathing suit. We’d meet up with our towels and smokes andhead for the sand. I’d just started smoking when I met Gina. She smoked, notsurprisingly, and when I was with her, I didn’t think about what my mom woulddo if she found out. In a way, I guess I wanted to emulate her free spirit. Itwasn’t years later that I realized the intense sadness she must have felt.

Aboutmidway into the school year, Gina’s sister asked her to come and live with themin Connecticut. I never understood why it took her so long to ask. She knewGina’s circumstances and where she was living. Gina’s mom stayed drunk all thetime, and I think they had a big failing out, and Gina left home. That’s whenshe came to live behind me. Her mom didn’t want her, at least that’s what Ginasaid.

SoGina left me. I was heartbroken. But at the same time, I was so happy that shewas going to be with her sister. I thought that if she was with family, she’dbe OK. We wrote each other letters at least twice a week, but four months latershe came back. I got several stories from Gina as to why it didn’t work out. Ihave my own theories.

Timewent on, the school year was coming to a close, and my 15th birthday was justaround the corner. My mom and I moved to Taft. Gina stayed behind with yetanother person somewhere in corpus, but we wrote letters, and kept in touch.Taft was only 18 miles away. After we were there about 6 months, Gina was againwithout a place to live, and the nuns were looking for somebody to take her soshe wouldn’t be placed in a foster home. The story I got is Gina started havinga thing with the lady’s, that she lived with, 19-year-old son. Gina was justfourteen at the time, and she asked Gina to move. Actually, she saw this guyoff and on for a while. Gina was loose. She was desperately looking forsomebody to love her in the only way she knew how. And it cost her.

Sowe became her foster family, of sorts. I was worried. My mom and I were livingso skimpily as it was. We barely had money to pay the bills, and a couple oftimes we had our elec